בחן את עצמך, האם אתה ילד אורז? (או: RICE BOY)

[DaviX]

You Know You're A Riceboy If..

 

... you find yourself using the excuse "yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude" after EVERY race

 

... you drive a 4 door 'type R'

 

... you have stickers that even most asians dont get

 

... you have stickers for parts you dont have

 

... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot'

 

... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side

 

... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter

 

... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter

 

... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer

 

... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees

 

... you sell crack for the image...not the money

 

... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you dont know what bracket racing is

 

... you will only race if the other guy removes four sparkplugs

 

... you can't race uphills

 

... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial in

 

... you brag to have nitrous and have a 14.50 dial in

 

... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars

 

... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car

 

... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin

 

... your tach is bigger than your head

 

... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic

 

... you refuse to race because it's a "show car"

 

... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip

 

... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross.

 

... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose

 

... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager

 

... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed.

 

... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.

[DaviX]

והקאמבק של הרציניים

You Might Be A Racer If..

 

- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

 

- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

 

- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth (wear bars showing).

 

- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

 

- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.

 

- You change engine oil every other week.

 

- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.

 

- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.

 

- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.

 

- Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

 

- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.

 

- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.

 

- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

 

- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

 

- You bought a race car before buying a house.

 

- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

 

- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

 

- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

 

- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):

 

 

 

1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.

2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.

3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.

4) A grease pit.

5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.

6) Deaf neighbors.

7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.

Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.

 

 

- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

 

- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires

 

- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

 

- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

 

- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."

 

- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

 

- You have enough spare parts to build another car.

 

- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

 

- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

 

- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"

 

- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

 

- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

 

- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1's and Pauter rods (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).

 

- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

 

- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

 

- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

 

- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

 

- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"

 

- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturers name.

 

- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

 

- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

 

- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

 

- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

 

- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

 

- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

 

- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.

 

- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

 

- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

 

- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

 

- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

 

- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

 

- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

 

- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.

 

- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

 

- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.

 

- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.

 

- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.

 

- You can't stand understeer.

 

- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.

 

- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.

 

- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

 

- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

 

- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

 

- You save broken car parts as "mementos".

 

- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....

 

- You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

 

- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...

 

- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.

 

- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

 

- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.

 

- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.

 

- You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.

 

- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.

 

- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

 

- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"

 

- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.

 

- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

 

- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"

 

- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.

 

- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.

 

- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.

 

- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.

 

- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.

 

- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

 

- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

 

You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.

 

- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.

 

- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"

[DaviX]

יש לך יותר מדי כח סוס?

You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When..

 

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

 

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

 

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

 

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

 

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

 

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

 

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

 

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

 

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

 

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

 

11. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

 

12. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.

 

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

 

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

 

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

 

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

 

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

 

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

 

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

 

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

 

22. You need parachute braking.

 

23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

 

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

 

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

 

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.

 

27. Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums

 

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

 

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

 

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

 

31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.

 

32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.

 

33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.

 

34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.

 

35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.

 

36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELL OUT.

 

37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.

 

38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.

 

39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.

 

40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.

 

41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.

 

42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.

 

43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.

 

44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.

[DaviX]

מודעות למכירה, האמת מתגלה:

What They REALLY Mean In Classified Ads

 

 

If The Ad Reads . . . It Really Means

 

Rough condition: Too bad to lie about

 

Parts car: Beyond repair

 

Clean: Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows

 

Immaculate: Recently washed

 

Concours: Recently waxed

 

Good transportation: It's ugly

 

Engine quiet: Uses 90-weight oil

 

Needs minor overhaul: Needs engine

 

Needs major overhaul: Phone the junkyard

 

Burns no oil: It all leaks out

 

Rebuilt engine: Cleaned the spark plugs

 

Engine blueprinted: I don't know what it means either

 

Excellent gas mileage: It's slow

 

Low miles: The odometer was turned back

 

One owner: Can't give it away

 

Sure to appreciate: That's why I'm selling it

 

Drive it away: I live on a hill

 

Drive it anywhere: Within 10 miles

 

Desirable classic: No one wants it

 

Rare classic: No one wanted it even when it was new.

 

Stored 20 years: In a lake

 

Ran when stored: Won't start

 

Never apart: Bolts too rounded to loosen

 

Solid as a rock: Rusted solid

 

. .or best offer: I'm guessing here

 

Restored, with 0 miles: Won't start

 

Faster than a 'vette: A Chevette

 

Restored, with 2 miles: Won't stay running

 

Older restoration: First owner washed it

 

Good investment: Can't be worth much less

 

No time to restore it: Can't obtain parts

 

90% complete: You do the other 90%

 

95% complete: Other 5% doesn't exist

 

One owner: Hertz

 

Great enthusiasts car: I'm looking for a sucker

 

Good tires: And that's all

 

House forces sale: Neighbors complaining

 

Trades considered: I'm desperate

 

Other interests conflict: Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@# thing goes or I go!"

[HeadSpiN]

ממש משעמם לך...

 

[DaviX]

ואתם חשבתם שGTI זה גראנד טורינג אינג'קשן

 

Car Names Explained

 

Acura

Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents

All Cars Usually Require Adjustment

Any Child Understands Real Automobiles

Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents

 

Audi

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

 

Beetle

By Everyone's Experience, They Last Eternally!

Battered Everywhere; Expect To Lose Engine

 

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench

Beastly Monstrous Wonder

Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Big Money Waste

Big Money Works

Born Moderately Wealthy

Break My Windows

Broken Money Waster

Broken Monstrous Wonder

Brutal Money Waster

Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Big Money Waster

Break My Window

Busted My Wallet

 

Buick

Big Ugly Import Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

 

Camaro

Can't America Make A Real One?

 

Chevrolet

Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Clutch Hangs, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

 

Chevy

Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet

 

Chrysler

Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs

Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's

 

Citroen

Crummy Interior, Terrible Road-holding, Owned Entirely by Nebishes

 

Dodge

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere

Dangerous On Days Gears Engage

Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego

Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

 

Fiat

Failure in Automotive Technology

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Fix It Again Tony?

Fix It All the Time

 

Ford

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road Dead

Backwards... Driver Returns On Foot

Backwards... Dorks Ride On Fords

Factory Ordered Road Disaster

Factory Ordered Rebuilt Dodge

Flip Over Read Directions

Four Old Rusted Doors

Fixed On Race Day

Ford Owner Really Dumb

For Only Retarded Drivers

Ford Owners Recommend Dodge

Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy

Found On Russian Dump

For Off Road Death

it Freaking Only Runs Downhill

Fat Old Rusted Dog

Freaking Old Rusted Dodge(Datsun)

Frigin Oakies Really Dig it

Funky Old Road Dog

Found On Roadside's Destroyed

Backwards...Don't Ride Over Fifty

Fixed-up Old Repossesed Dodge

Found Old Rebuilt Dodge

Forget OutRunning Dale

Found On Railroad Deserted

Found On Railroad Dead

Fools Only Read Directions

First On Repair Dolly

Favorite Of Redneck Drivers

Backwards- Dumb Retards Own Fords

Funny Old Rebuilt Dodge

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Found On Russian Dump

Forfiet On Race Day

Found On River Dead

Failure Of Research & Development

 

Ford LTD

Found On Road Dying, Left To Die

 

Geo

Good Engineering Overlooked

Gets Eventually Over 50

 

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

Generally Mediocre Cars

Get More Chicks

Got Mechanic Coming

Generally Made Crappy

 

Honda

How Odd, No Damn Acceleration

Hold Overs Not Doing Anything

Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile

Had One, Never Did Again

 

Hyundai

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

 

Jaguar

Junk Always Going Under At Repair Shop

 

Jeep

Junk Electrical and Emissions Parts

Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole

Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts

Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts

Jumps Everything Ever Parked

JUST Enough Engine Power?

Jr. Engineered Every Part

 

Mazda Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly

Making A Zillion Dollars Annually

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

 

Mercedes

Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings

 

Mercury

Mileage Eventually Ruins Car -- Usually Ruins You

Makes Everyone Really Crave Underpowered, Recalled Yugo

Makes Envisioning REAL Car Understandable -- Recalled Yet?

Motorists Easily Rate Car (Usually "Real Yo-yo")

 

Mopar

Most Often Passed At Races

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicas

My Old Plymouth Ain't Runnin'

Made Of Plastic And Rust

 

Mustang

Massively Under Siezed Tires And No Go

 

Nissan

Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises

Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now

 

Oldsmobile

Oh Look, Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything

Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel

Old Ladies Driving Slow making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

 

Pinto

Put In New Transmission Often

Put In Nickel To Operate

Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

 

Plymouth

Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!

Police Laugh, Old Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap

 

Pontiac

Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac

Pours Out Noxious Toxins In American Cities

 

Porsche

Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions

Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine

Please Overlook Really Smutty Cardboard Horrible Engine

Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough

Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

 

Rabbit

Replace A Beetle? Boy, It Tried

Racy? Ain't! Bouncy, Bad Itty-bitty Toy!

 

Renault

Retarded Engine, No Acceleration, Ugly Lump of Trash

 

Saab

Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

Send Another Automobile Back

Sad Attempt At Beauty

Sorry Auto Always Broken

 

Sable

Sleezy Auto Brakes Leak Everytime

 

Toyota

Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A

 

Triumph

The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

Trembling Ride, Intrusive Undercarriage, Meekly Powered Hotrod.

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!

Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt

 

Vanagon

Via Another Name: A Go-cart On Nerve

 

Volkswagen

Vehicle Owner's List: Kite String, Wire, Aluminum, Gum, Engine (NOT!)

 

Volvo

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

 

VW

Very Worthless

Virtually Worthless

[DaviX]

מה לעזאזל לעשות בדרייב ט'רו של מקדונלד

 

51 Things To Do At A Drive Thru

 

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

 

2. Drive through backwards.

 

3. Belch your order.

 

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

 

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

 

6. Walk through.

 

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you

 

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

 

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

 

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

 

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

 

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

 

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

 

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

 

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

 

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

 

17. One word: Flatulence! (BILL?????)

 

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

 

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

 

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

 

21. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

 

22. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

 

23. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

 

24. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

 

25. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

 

26. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

 

27. Ask how they fit into that little box.

 

28. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

 

29. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"

 

30. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"

 

31. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

 

32. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

 

33. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

 

34. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

 

35. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

 

37. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

 

38. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

 

39. When they say may I help you, respond with, no I am beyond help.

 

40. Ask if you can talk to Ronald

 

41. Ask how much the sign outside cost

 

42. Ask if they have Small Mac's because you're not very hungry

 

43. Say "Testing, testing 1 2 3 ..."

 

44. Scream "Call 911!" and speed away

 

45. Tell them you're bored, and ask if anyone there would like to go out and play frisbee with you

 

46. Ask which hero the McHero is made from, Batman or Superman

 

47. "Hi! I want a (what?) I want a (huh?) I WANT A (chi-ca-chi-ca) NUMBER SIX PLEASE!"

 

48. Scream as loud as you can into the speaker, "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna DIE!"

 

49. Ask for a # PSSSSHSHHH (make random static noises) then get mad when they don't understand you

 

50. Act like there is a swarm of bees attacking you while you order on the drive-thru (Hi, I'd like an... OW!! OW!! AAAH! OH MY GOD, THE BEES!! GET THEM OFF ME! NOOO! .. *clear throat*... a cheeseburger... GET EM OFF ME!! AAAAH! AAAAH! THEY'RE KILLING ME!!!) then act perfectly normal at the window.

 

51. Act like they messed up your order and tell them to "take that cheeseburger, shine it up reeeeeeeal nice, turn it sideways ..."

[DaviX]

איך להחליף שמן. (לא FAT)

Oil Changing Instructions

 

Women:

 

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.

 

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

 

3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $20.00 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

 

Men:

 

1. Go to Pep Boys and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and a scented tree.

 

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Pep Boys to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

 

3. Open a beer and drink it.

 

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

 

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

 

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

 

7. Place drain pan under engine.

 

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

 

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

 

10. Unscrew drain plug.

 

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

 

12. Clean up.

 

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

 

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

 

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

 

16. Beer.

 

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

 

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

 

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

 

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

 

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

 

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

 

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

 

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

 

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

 

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

 

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

 

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

 

29. Begin cussing fit.

 

30. Throw wrench.

 

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1999) in the left boob.

 

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

 

33. Beer.

 

34. Beer.

 

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

 

36. Beer.

 

37. Lower car from jack stands.

 

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

 

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

 

40. Drive car

[DaviX]

הלקסיקון השלם לכלי עבודה

Tools Guide

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to hollow out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

[DaviX]

הרגלי נהיגה של ארצות שונות: (מעניין שאין פה ערסים)

How to Identify A Driver's Home

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

 

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

 

One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*

*with gun in lap: L.A.

 

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

 

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

 

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

 

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

 

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

 

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

 

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

[DaviX]

נוסעים באמריקאיות?

1. You know you're driving a Camaro if your fuel gauge and your tachometer move at the same rate, in opposite directions.

 

2. What does the back of a Mustang look like anyway???

 

3. You know you're driving a Camaro when the Mustang in your rearview mirror gets smaller and smaller and smaller!!!

 

4. Old ladies move faster than they ever have to get off the street.

 

5. The cops don't bother chasing you anymore.

 

6. You challenge a Mustang at a red light, and he looks the other way.

 

7. Women you don't know drive up next to you, just to wave!

 

8. You hear "must be nice" countless times in a conversation about your ride.

 

9. If you convert your horsepower into years, it's longer than your children's children will live.

 

10. After goosing the engine, you look in your rearview mirror, just to see if that cutie is watching you.

[UrbanDK]

ממש משעמם לך...

 

 

כן, כי הוא ממש כרגע ישב וכתב את זה.

[Maserati]

קראתי פה ושם... (מה לעשות, עצלן....)

אבל מה שעברתי היה

 

תודה רבה !!!

 

אדם.

[HeadSpiN]

ממש משעמם לך...

 

 

כן, כי הוא ממש כרגע ישב וכתב את זה.

 

לא ממש חשבתי שהוא כתב את זה

COPY AND PASTE

שיטה נחמדה להראות לעולם שאתה יודע אנגלית

התכוונתי ממש משעמם לך שממש נקרא את כל זה... לא שיש לי בעיה עם אנגלית כמובן..אבל ביכלל יותר מ 25 שורות למי ביכלל יש כוח לקרוא אפילו עברית .

[White-Night]

קראתי כמה קטעים .. וזה אחלה ..תודה...

 

איפה מצאת ?